Changes
by Uropinion
Summary: You are my soul now," He pulled me closer to his body, warming mine, "Thank you for letting me be." Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Bye Mom! Bye Ben!" I shouted as I grabbed my backpack and ran for the door. My recently curled ringlets bounced against my neck as I sprinted across the street to Audrey's house, today was the first day of school, and we were already late. I pressed the doorbell, then pressed it again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," came Audrey's muffled voice from behind the door. "Okay, I'm here, what's the rush?" she said, opening the door to reveal her body clad in striped pyjamas and slippers.

"Why aren't you dressed? We're going to miss the bus!" I said, a little too loudly to achieve the sound I was trying for; stern, but forgiving.

"Sorry mom, what are you doing here this early? We don't have to leave for an hour, my alarm just went off, like 30 minutes ago." She sounded annoyed now, she hated being disturbed while she was getting ready, or 'beautifying herself' to quote Audrey.

I sighed, "Did you actually change the time for your alarm to go off yesterday?" it was so like Audrey to forget something as simple as that.

"Umm... how mad would you be if I said no?"

"Whatever, I guess something like this would have happened anyway, I'll come in, go beautify yourself or whatever." I stepped through the door, and immediately recognized the clutter that was native to the house of Smith. I put my bag down on a chair stacked with ancient magazines and a pizza box, and followed Audrey upstairs.

"So what do you think, should I go with the simple classic look, a jean and a tee, or should I go bold, a pink tank and khaki miniskirt?" Audrey asked me as soon as she heard the giveaway creak of her door's hinge. She was holding an outfit in each hand.

"Why are you asking me? Our styles are completely different, but I'd go with the jeans and tee." I shuddered to think of the last time I'd given her advice, and it had been great advice. She had asked me if she should wear a short red dress, or a flowing blue gown to our grade eight grad. I told her that Bridget, the head cheerleader, was wearing that dress, and that she should wear the red one. So, being Audrey, she chose the blue gown, and ended up attending grad in her gym clothes.

"Bold it is then, you can leave now." She pushed me out the door and slammed it.

"You're welcome Audrey," I said to the piece of wood. Great, I thought, now I'm talking to inanimate objects, soon I'll be seeing dead bodies and serial killers everywhere.I let my thoughts drift to my family. My dad was currently living somewhere unknown to me, apparently, he thought that I was a spy for my mother. Ben was continuing his part-time job of annoying me, along with his full-time job as the editor of our local newspaper. The wonderful woman who I regarded as my mother-or as I liked to call her, even though it was forbidden, Dayna- was too busy cross-questioning me to take up any other occupation.

"Okay, Steph, what do you think?" Audrey asked, opening her door.

"Wow, umm, it's very nice," I said, and it was. The tank top fitted perfectly across her well-muscled abdomen, the result of a summer spent working at her grandparents' farm. Her skirt ended in a fringe at the end of her fingertips.

"Yeah right," she said, rolling her eyes, "I'll go change, a compliment from you, I must look horrible." She began to close the door, but I stuck my foot in the space. "Just let me change, you're wasting our time."

"No, really Audrey, I mean it. You look really good, amazing as it is. Can we go now, or do I have to wait for you to admire yourself?" I asked, eyeing the large mirror she kept beside her closet wearily.

She sighed, "I guess we don't have time for that, do we? Fine, we should go anyway, though we probably missed the bus, why didn't you come earlier Steph?" Sure, I thought, blame it all on me Audrey.

"Come on! We're already late!" I called to Audrey, who was jogging behind me.

"Then what's the point in rushing, if we're already late, getting there now, instead of getting there in thirty minutes won't make a difference. I think we should take our time, besides, we can find some way to escape the lecture that the VP probably has waiting for us. Please, Steph, is there any way to convince you?" Audrey replied, stopping at my side.

"Ugh, I hate it when you find a way to do this," I told her, grimacing.

"Do what?" she asked, her face full of mock innocence.

"Find ways to make me worship ideas that I don't even want to hear."

"Yes! Thank you Steph! I promise that you won't regret it," she said, jumping up and down.

"Of course I will, I always do," I muttered, turning my head away from her display of happiness.

"And if you ladies are ever late for school again, it's detentions for a month, we don't accept tardiness around here. Now off to class, both of you." Mr. Whitcross said. Audrey's seemingly brilliant plan to sneak into our class without meeting the VP had backfired. Bob the janitor better watch out, Audrey was famous for holding grudges.

"What's wrong with him?" Audrey whispered as soon as we heard the door click shut behind us. "It's healthy to ditch school, too much of it will make your head explode, not that you'd know anything about ditching, you're such a goody-goody."

"Shut up," I said, giving her a shove, "I am not a kiss-up, that job's taken by Danny."

"You're right," she replied with a laugh, "and I'm proud to say that you're nowhere near to being as big of a teacher's pet as him, 'Mrs. Hatchet, I brought you some flowers, they're almost as pretty you,'I hope we don't have to put up with another year of that."

"Yeah, I've been stuck with him for ten years already; another and I might kill him." I groaned, we had just reached the class, and Danny was sitting right beside the teacher's desk, his blonde hair gelled into cones on either side of his head. "Wow, what happened to his hair?" I whispered to Audrey, "It's like a style from _Attack of the Hair Destroying Aliens._"

"That's not the best you can come up with, is it? Seriously, that's one of the worst jokes I've ever heard." She said, stopping me mid-giggle.

I tapped on the door, and found myself facing one of the sternest looking women I had ever seen. Her hair was done up in a tight bun, and her eyes were magnified by circular glasses. Her nose was longer than average, and ended in a point.

"Well? What do you want?" she asked.

"We're-umm-we're in this class, I'm Audrey Smith, and this is Stephanie Watson."

"Fine. Take your seats; I'll expect you not to interrupt the class." She turned and walked haughtily away from us. My eyes drifted around the room, and landed on Seth, my boyfriend since grade nine. His bronze hair was in its regular style, and he had bent over his paper until his nose was almost touching it to stifle a laugh. I smiled at Audrey and slid into the empty seat beside Seth. I took out a piece of paper and scribbled

Hey, how were your last few weeks of summer?

He took one look at my note, than bent back over his paper.

"Seth?" I whispered, something wasn't right, why was he ignoring me. He shot me a meaningful look, and I felt a piece of paper brush against my leg. I reached down and grabbed it. Underneath my question was an answer in Seth's unmistakably perfect handwriting

Do you really have to ask? They were boring without you there; I ended up listening to Sean practice his speeches, I've never been happier to see your beautiful face. Can we do something tonight to celebrate your homecoming? What about a party?

I shook my head, Ben had already planned to take me out for dinner that night, he, unlike my mother, wanted a full recap of my month in Japan. Seth gave a shrug, and I knew he force me into some type of celebration sooner or later.

I looked down at the textbook on my desk, ugh biology, and began the worksheet that Mrs. Black had handed me.

"Hey Steph!" Charlotte called from across the cafeteria, waving her free hand in the air. I let go of Seth's hand, he was busy sweet-talking the lunch-lady into giving him a discount, and fought the crowd on my way to my friend's side. "How was Japan, did you have a good time? Were there any cute guys? What about Seth? How's he?" she shot questions at me, my mother could probably take lessons from her.

"Relax Charlotte. Japan was great, I can't answer you're third question without getting a guilty conscience, Seth's fine, and I know what you're going to ask next- umm- yes we are still going out." I said, the blood rushing to my face as I purposely lied about what she would ask.

"But-" she started, about to make my mistake known.

"I know you weren't going to ask about me and Seth, you're not an idiot, you saw us holding hands, but I would rather not talk about that right now."

"But I want all of the terrible details!" she whined.

"And you'll get them, in Gym okay? It's the first day, we'll be playing dodgeball, you and I can talk about when we're both sitting on the bench." I said. We were both terrible at dodgeball, we couldn't dodge, throw and talk at the same time for some reason.

She groaned, "Fine, but because you're making me wait, you have to answer every question I have, every one."

Now it was my turn to groan, Charlotte had the power to turn even the most innocent conversations painful with her questioning. "You're going to make me answer them all anyway, I may as well get to pick the time and place."

"Yes! Thank you, thank you Steph," she raised her right hand, "I swear to keep your confidence," she paused, "this time at least!"

"You better. Are you done? I need to go, lunch is already half over."

"Oh, I forgot, you have a boyfriend, lucky. Are you sure you can't hook me up with a Japanese guy or something?" she said, a spark of hope appearing in her eye.

"I thought you didn't believe in long-distance relationships?" I said, reminding her of the oath she had taken last year.

"That was last year, my interests and beliefs have changed." She replied with a haughty air.

"Of course," I muttered, "no Charlotte, I can't let you inflict yourself upon a poor Japanese boy."

"Humph! Don't you have a boyfriend to go eat with?" she turned and stalked away. She may be upset now, I thought, but by Gym she'll, unfortunately, be over it_. _

I spun around, ready to jump up and down to find Seth, but instead found myself face-to-face with someone. This someone, I realized, was unfamiliar to me. He had auburn hair that was tussled, as though someone had run their fingers through it. His olive complexion gave him the look of a Greek, his sharp cheekbones were carved in a way that some would make fun of. I avoided his eyes-it was always uncomfortable for me to lock eyes with a stranger-until his posture made it clear that he had no plans of moving to let me squeeze past. I moved my eyes slowly upwards. They were like nothing I had seen before, eerie, almost. There was a small band of brown around the edges of his irises, farther in there was a ring of emerald green, than of navy and periwinkle. But the part of them that drew my eyes was the centre, ghostlike pale silver haunted their depths, and suddenly, I remembered the stories my mother had told me when I was a child. Of the celestial beings in particular, whose eyes told whether they bore a spirit of good, or of evil.

"You're in my way," I said, surprising myself with the amount of coldness I was able to put into those words.

"Sorry," he sounded reproachful, "I'm Nick, and you're Stephanie, right?"

"Yeah, how do you know that, and why do you care?" It wasn't just unusual; it was amazing for anyone who didn't know me to even acknowledge my presence. Seth was cute, and this boy just might be up to his standards.

"Why, did I bother you? I'm sorry, I'll leave."

"No no, you weren't bothering me; it's just strange for anyone that's not a close friend to even talk to me." I said, unable to take my eyes off his, the width of each ring seemed to change constantly.

"Okay, well, I'm new, and I was wondering if you could show me around?" he asked, the blue band growing larger as he spoke.

"Umm, yeah, I guess. You can come sit with me; I'll introduce you to some people." I told him, finally able to tear my eyes away, and looking around for Seth. I saw him sitting by one of the windows with our usual group. He waved, and motioned for me to come over.

"Is that your boyfriend?" I looked up. Nick was pointing in the direction of Seth.

"Yeah, why?" I asked, did I detect a hint of jealousy? Could this stranger actually like me?

"Just a vibe, and the fact that he saved a seat beside him." He smiled, "It must be nice." He murmured. I pretended that I didn't hear the last part.

I lead the way through the crowd, you never got used to a cafeteria meant for 600 in a school of 1500.

"Hey Steph, I thought we'd lost you. Who's this, please tell me you haven't found someone else." The last comment was said with a smile as he reached his hand out to Nick.

"This is Nick, he's new. I told him I'd show him around the school, while he needs me anyway, this place is so small, he'll probably have learned his way around by fourth period." Nick was staring with doubt at Seth's hand, what was wrong with him? I shifted my weight onto my left foot, which was conveniently located on top of Nick's.

"Oww! Oh, sorry, I drifted off for a moment," he said, taking Seth's hand and shaking it with minimal contact, like Seth had a contagious disease. I sat down, there was only another ten minutes left for me to eat, and I was starving.

"Why don't you sit down Nick?" Seth said gesturing to the seat opposite Audrey.

"Oh, no I'm not really that hungry." He shrugged indifferently.

"Nod humgdry?" I asked, covering my face with a napkin when I realized that my mouth was full of the food I had stuffed into it a few seconds before. I quickly swallowed, then repeated, "not hungry! How can you not be hungry?!" Uh oh. Now I'd done it. In their rush to get to the door, everyone had turned around to see the cause of the shout. I threw my hands across my face. "Tell me when it's over!" I moaned. It was so like me to attract the unwanted attention of almost every kid in the school by starting scene.

"Steph, you can get up now," Seth's quiet voiced soothed my embarrassment.

"Just leave me here, spare yourself the shouts of 'Hey spatz!'" I groaned. It would be better if the floor would open up and drag me down.

"So you're going to abandon me in an unknown school. Wow, I guess you really _can't_ believe everything you hear about a person." Nick's voice echoed in my head. Was I really that selfish? No, I would have to face the crowd sooner or later. And as much as I wanted to choose later, I couldn't. I had promised Nick that I would help him, I couldn't refuse to do it now.

"Fine. Um, Seth, can you help me up, I think something happened to my neck when I slammed my head down." I said, reaching a hand out for Seth to grab. "Nick," I said when I had finally made it to my feet, "what have you heard about me?"

"Not much. People seem... afraid, I guess to part with information about their friends." He looked confused.

"Well can you blame them? You're eyes are more than just a little freaky." I informed, almost whispering, enchanted by the misty silver.

"What are you talking about Steph?" Seth asked, also looking into Nick's eyes, "They look like perfectly normal eyes to me, they're green, almost the same colour as yours."

"Well yeah, they're green. But can't you see the other colours?" I asked, genuinely curious now.

"Did you hit your head a little too hard, maybe we should take you to the emergency room-" Seth looked down at me, the worry plain in his face.

"I'm fine Seth! Can't you see the colours in your eyes?" I directed the question at Nick, who seemed more confused than Seth was worried.

"N-no, Steph. My eyes are green." He stammered, obviously undecided about what he should do.

"_You...can't...see...them_?!" I demanded, glaring into Nick's eyes, trying to prove to myself that I was not hallucinating.

"You just hit your head Steph, don't worry, we'll take you to the hospital." Seth said, doing his best to cover up his worry.

"I _did not_ hit my head Seth! And I don't want to go to ER! Just let me go to class." I strained against Seth's arms, which had formed a barrier around me.

"Okay, but if you act strange at all, I'm taking you straight out of this place, do you understand?" He put on his serious face, and bore his eyes into mine.

"Yes," I agreed weakly. Acting strange in Gym? No, not at all. Just the occasional injury that sent me to the nurse's office. Of course, that was during our normal curriculum. Dodgeball, ugh. It usually ended up looking like the site of a massacre in the gym by the time I was done stumbling around blindly searching for a ball to throw. I silently thanked God for not putting me in the same P.E class as Seth.

"I'm in your class for the rest of the classes Steph, I'll act as Seth's eyes and ears." Nick informed me, seeing the relieved look that was plastered onto my face. Seth smiled gratefully at him, the traitor. Now I would end up in the emergency room anyway, though I wouldn't be surprised of Seth skipped that step completely, and took me straight to a psychiatrist.

I stalked away from the two partners, now that I would be constantly under watch, I may as well be watched with as much dignity as I could muster.

"Steph, wait up!" I heard the sound of Nick's feet hitting the floor as he ran to catch up with me, and Seth's chuckle in the background. At least he wasn't jealous, Seth seemed to really like Nick. I spun around to face Nick.

"Well," I said, sounding ruder than I intended to.

"You promised, remember?" he told me.

"Remind me to never promise you anything ever again." I muttered, leading the way to the gym. At our school, P.E was only mandatory for one year, but I'd foolishly allowed Seth to talk me into taking it again this year, as if my average wasn't already low enough.

"So," he paused, looking for some insignificant question that would distract my anger. "What's your favourite class?"

"Small talk won't help you Nick, ask Seth, I can hold a grudge for years, especially when it comes to traitors." I threatened him.

"It's probably better this way," he murmured, looking down.

"Excuse me?" I said, curiosity filling my voice.

"It's better if you and I don't become friends." He explained simply, "it would just make it harder for you when I leave."

"Don't leave then." It was so obvious, how could he miss that answer?

"It is more complex then that Steph, I don't have a choice. I'm not even sure when I'm leaving. But don't worry about that, it's my problem."

"Fine, don't tell me. I have no idea why you would bring it up if you weren't going to tell me the _whole_ story." I was irritated. Nothing bothered me more than unfinished stories.

"That's not fair Steph, and you know it. Haven't you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone? Wait, don't answer that. I know you have, I can see it in your eyes."

"Well all _I_ can see in your eyes is a variety of different colours, and _don't_ tell me that I hit my head. I know that you can see it too." I looked sternly at him, there was no good excuse for what he'd done to me. "Don't worry though, you've made it clear that you don't want anyone else to know, so they won't." I assured him, seeing a worried frown cross his brow.

"See you in class Steph," he said, we had come to the change rooms.

"Yeah, sure. Bye.

"Where does it hurt sweetie?" Miss Rawheart, the nurse asked me. I'd taken a ball to the head in Gym, and my nose had just stopped bleeding.

"Oh dear, it looks like it's broken. I can put in a splint, but you'll have to go to the hospital to have it set." Great, now Seth would be happy. My stomach did a back flip, I really hated the emergency room, but unless I wanted a crooked nose for the rest of my life, I would have to put up with it.

"How are you?" Seth whispered in my ear. He had seen me passing his classroom with my hand covered in blood, and had faked a stomach ache to be with me.

"I've been better, but I've also been worse. Like this one time in Japan-" I started to launch into a detailed description of my...accident during the summer, but Seth stopped me.

"Really, it's okay, I don't need to hear this." Of course, to Seth every scrape was life-threatening. He would probably end up fainting if I made him listen to my adventures.

"Whatever. Do you think I can leave?" I asked him. Miss Rawheart had left the room, and plans of escape were running through my head.

"Not a chance Steph, you're staying right here, even if I have to use force." He said, his arms folding around me.

"You're no fun," I complained, putting on my best sad face, "I bet Audrey would let me go."

"Audrey also persuaded you to ditch school this morning, she'd let you stand in the middle of a highway if she thought it would be fun."

"Don't say that, Audrey would never do something that put us in danger, skipping school didn't hurt us at all." Despite my statement, an image of the vice principal's face purple with rage popped out of my memory. Seth gave me his 'tell the truth' look. "She wouldn't!" I persisted.

Thankfully, the nurse returned before Seth could say anything else.

"Ok dear, you're ready to go. I'll tell the office that you've left." She turned to Seth, "Will you need to be excused too, Mr. Turnstall?"

"Yes please, I'll drive her to the hospital." He placed his hand on my waist and half-lead, half-carried me out of the room.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again as he put me down in the passenger seat of his 1993 Corolla.

"Yes!" I said, exasperated now.

"Okay," he put the car in reverse, and pulled out of the parking lot.

The pain was sharp and short-lived.

"Oww!" Seth rubbed my arm quickly. As if that would make me feel better about having a splint attached to my face.

"What about Nick?" I murmured, looking up into Seth's face.

"I left him with Audrey." He answered, looking indifferent.

"You didn't!" I gasped, "weren't you the one who was trying to convince me how dangerous Audrey was!?"

"Yes, but unless you would rather have Charlotte with him..." he trailed off, realizing that I wasn't listening. I thought about Audrey's past ideas. Would she be able to talk Nick into doing one of them?

"Miss Watson, Miss Watson. Miss Watson!" I looked up and saw the doctor standing over me. How long had he been there, waiting for me to resurface?

"You can go now," Thank God. Now all I had to do was face whoever was waiting in the lobby, and convince them that I was all right.

Seth grabbed me around my waist again, and led me off to face a _very _angry Dayna.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I cursed my driving instructor again for failing me-or to use his words 'doing my duty as a citizen by protecting our streets from you'. Thanks to him, I was stuck relying on Seth and Ben to drive me everywhere. Plus, Dayna wouldn't let me think about buying the shiny silver Honda that I had my eye on until I passed my G1 test.

I slumped down in the back seat, Ben, as observant as always, noticed.

"Cheer up Steph, at least you only have to wear it for a few days," he reminded me, a false smile lingering on his lips at some remembered joke. He was referring to the large, bulky splint that the doctor had ordered me to wear.

"A few days of torment," I muttered, he heard.

His voice took on a serious tone, "I hope you're not planning to miss school Steph, because I won't let that happen."

"Miss school? No, no. I wasn't planning on doing anything like that." The idea had crossed my mind a few times, as in every two minutes, but I had dismissed it without much thought. Ben would find out, I knew, there were no secrets from a person like him, and since his biggest goal was to stay in my mother's good books, he would rat me out in a heartbeat.

His eyes narrowed. "You better not."

"Aye aye, captain!" I murmured with fake enthusiasm. Ben ignored me. Well, it was better than having him practically drowning me in questions. Dayna had been giving him lessons.

Our minivan-eww!- pulled into our cracked driveway.

"Out Stephanie." My mother ordered as soon as the car came to a standstill.

I obeyed, mumbling under my breath all the way from the car to the kitchen.

"Stephanie Victoria Watson, what were you thinking?" Ugh, of course my mother thought that it was entirely my fault, she was always poorly informed.

"Well Mom, I was thinking that I could use an A in Gym this term, and that I wanted to avoid being hit with a dodgeball." I recalled the few moments before the ball had made contact with my face.

"And how did that work out for you? Why are you even taking Gym this year, you know that you're horrible at it." Ah, Dayna. Never sparing anyone's feelings, always being brutally honest. "Was it Seth? I don't like that boy Stephanie, you always seem to get into trouble when he's around."

"First of all Mom, I got into trouble before I met Seth, and second, he isn't even in my Gym class." At least she couldn't rant about the pros and, well mostly cons of my boyfriend tonight.

Ben, taking on the role of my saviour, walked into the room and handed the portable phone to Dayna, hopefully it was one of her best friends, she would be busy for hours.

I smiled gratefully at Ben, and escaped to my room. Feeling the stress of the day evaporate as soon as I crossed the threshold, I was able to think clearly for the first time since lunch. I was sure that I had seen Nick's eyes clearly, but he had skilfully dodged every attempt I made to check and make sure that I was correct. I had-unfortunately-been reminded of my promise to Charlotte, and been forced to tell her everything she wanted to know. In the hospital's lobby, Dayna had insisted on making a scene, and therefore I had received many pitiful glances from the staff.

My computer beeped. I sighed, now who wanted to talk to me? I landed on my floor with a thump, maybe it was time to exercise a bit more, and rolled over to my hand-me-down laptop. I opened up the conversation that Audrey had started with me, and read the first line;

Hey! How was the hospital? Charlotte told me everything, ouch!

There was no avoiding it, I would have to talk to Audrey sooner or later, it would be easier over MSN.

Hey yourself, hospital was like a hospital. Yeah, ouch.

It sounded normal despite the abnormal day I'd had.

What about Nick?

It was such a simple question.

Umm, what about him?

Are you into him?

Her answer was so obvious, how could I not have seen it coming?

I do have a boyfriend, and for your information, I love him very much.

How could she even think that I would do that to Seth?

So, you'd be okay if I asked him out?

Yeah, go ahead.

I smiled at the thought of Audrey attacking Nick and demanding to know if he would go out with her.

Thanks! Did he say anything about me?

No, he only met you today because I was suddenly rushed to the hospital thanks to a ball. I haven't seen him since Gym.

Oh, well, I've got some homework to do, see you tomorrow.

Audrey doing homework? On the first day of school? No, I would bet every cent I owned that she was standing in front of a mirror right now, practicing facial expressions and trying to figure out what one would make the best impression on Nick.

I decided to check my e-mail before settling in for the night with my favourite book, Sense and Sensibility. I would probably have read Jane Eyre, which had recently become my favourite, but I had loaned it to Dayna for a few weeks.

Ugh, there was a message from Tim, inviting me to a movie this Friday. He never gave up, did he? No matter how many times I rejected him, even the fact that I have a boyfriend didn't seem to keep him from hoping. Anyway, I should probably go, Dayna had been lecturing me about spending too much time with Seth and not enough with my other friends lately, completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn't been spending time with my friends because I had been on the other side of the world, maybe I could bring Audrey, I couldn't imagine Tim expression when he saw her. She was known well in our junior year for being the life of the party. No one could put Audrey and the word date in the same room.

I quickly typed my acceptance, and flopped down onto my small bed. I had just reached the fifth chapter, when there was a quiet knock on my door.

"Can I come in?" I had expected Ben's voice, he wouldn't let me forget his life-saving episode earlier, but it was Dayna's that flowed through the crack.

"Umm, yeah sure Mom." I was hesitant, I had never seen her this calm so early after one of my 'accidents', whether it was really an accident or not.

She walked in and carefully sat down on the end of my mattress. "I just wanted to apologize for my...umm, overreaction. I shouldn't have treated you like that, I'm sorry." It sounded heartfelt.

"Thanks," I looked down, "but I have to admit, I probably shouldn't have taken Gym this year, you're right, I'm terrible at it."

"Oh honey," I could sense a hug coming, and automatically stiffened. "Don't worry, no hugs this time, I promise."

I looked into her eyes for the first time since we had gotten home, they looked sincere enough. "Okay Mom, but I must say, I think that I've been able to avoid your hugs since we moved to Kitchener, and that has to be a record."

She chuckled, "You're right, I think that it's been long enough." And she pulled me into one of her huge bear hugs.

"Mom...I can't...really...breath." I gasped, she glanced down with concern.

"Sorry, I guess I can get a little caught up in the moment."

"A little, ha!" I muttered.

"Well, I'll leave then, unless there's something you want to tell me?"

Oh no, what did she know? If she had found out about one of the many things that I had kept from her, she wouldn't tell me what it was, and I would end up spilling all of my secrets.

"No Mom," I said, she seemed to believe me. As she was closing the door I called out "Wait!" she stepped back into my room with curiosity printed clearly on her face. I chickened out, "I'm going to a movie this Friday with some friends."

"Oh, that's nice sweetheart." She didn't care. My social life was not of too much importance to her, she knew all of my friends, except Nick, if he could count as a friend. As long as I didn't do anything too rash, she trusted me with my own life, but she could get a little controlling when it came to my boyfriends, even though Seth had been my boyfriend since we had moved from Toronto to the smaller city of Kitchener.

She left again, closing the door softly behind her. I needed something to do. Nearly spilling my guts out to Dayna had made me agitated, I didn't want to read anymore.

Something hit my window, causing it to shake violently. I walked over to it quickly, covering the distance in four strides. Seth and Audrey were standing below, looking up through the vibrating pane of glass.

I opened the window as wide as it would go.

"What?" I shouted, just loud enough for them to hear me, but quietly enough for our conversation to go undiscovered.

"Do you want to go to dinner?" Seth yelled back. Had they assumed that I had been grounded? Is that why they hadn't come to the front door?

"Yeah...sure...I guess...no." I didn't know. Was it possible for me to sneak out undetected? By Dayna, yes. But I wasn't sure if Ben would brave the tears and come to check on me.

"Well, which is it?" It was Audrey that spoke now, she was irritated. I always took too long to decide on the most trivial things.

"Yeah, give me two seconds to get down there." There was a trellis right outside my window. I mounted it and climbed down, "Wow, that's farther than it looks," I commented as soon as my feet hit the ground. "So, where are we going?" That puzzled them for a moment.

"Umm, where would you like to go?" Seth looked at me, obviously hoping that I could come up with a better idea than whatever was running through his mind.

"It doesn't matter to me, just remember that I'm vegetarian, so no steakhouses. Unless of course, you really want me to chose, though I probably wouldn't if I was you. I'll end up taking you to a vegan teashop." Seth grimaced, he hated eating vegetarian, though he would every now and then to please me.

"How about pizza?" Audrey suggested.

"Sure. Franklin's?" Franklin Pizza was our favourite place to go when we wanted to be together, the combination of great food and privacy met our every need, however few there were, plus it was just a short bus ride away.

"Yeah, where else?" Audrey flat out refused to go anywhere else for pizza.

We raced each other to the corner of my street, where the bus passed every half-hour to collect new passengers.

"What time is it?" I asked, I hadn't been keeping track of time in my room.

"Five twenty-five." Seth replied, glancing at his watch. We would only have to wait for five minutes, but it was already getting chilly. A shiver ran down my spine. I felt watched.

"Are you okay? Is it your nose?" Seth had noticed, damn! Now he would be watching me constantly.

"Yeah, the cold just getting to me," Kitchener, you could expect it to cool dramatically as soon as the sun began to set, even in September.

"Do you want my jacket?" he looked relieved, at least it seemed that I was a better liar then I thought.

The bus came, and we got on, happy to find the interior warm and inviting. Or, as inviting as a city bus can be. Soon we were left in front of Fairview Park Mall, another one of our favourite places to go.

From the mall, it was a short walk down the street facing the highway, avoiding the traffic that could always be found there at rush hour.

Inside the small restaurant we placed our orders; a pepperoni slice for Seth, Hawaiian for Audrey, and vegetarian for me. While the flustered girl working the counter prepared our food, we claimed a small table on the other side of the room, near one of the windows. We discussed school, friends, relationships, nothing of great consequence. Until our conversation moved on to Nick.

"Charlotte told me that he just got out of juvenile detention. Scary, isn't it, having a convict in our school?" That angered me, though I didn't know why. I sprang on Audrey.

"He is not!" I shouted. The girl came out to see what was going on. "He is not a convict. You should know better than to listen to Charlotte."

"Whoa, Steph calm down, I was just telling you what she told me. I didn't believe it either, but I wanted to see how you would react, I guess I just found out..." she tried to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.

As soon as Seth looked away from our awkward fight, Audrey gave me a meaningful look. _We'll talk about this later_, she mouthed. Great, now I would have to explain my sudden burst of anger to Audrey, when I didn't even know what had caused it.

God bless her, the girl arrived at that moment to place our plates in front of us. Seth began ripping at his the moment her hand had left it. Sometimes it disgusted me to watch him tear at meat like that, but it was something I put up with.

We finished and paid the bill, Seth insisted on paying for me, and left.

"I don't think Ben and Dayna will have thought about checking on me yet, do you want to go somewhere else?" I asked, hoping my request wouldn't sound as pleading as I thought it did.

"Actually Steph, I promised my parents that I'd be home by six thirty, and it's already twenty after. Bye." She waved as she walked away.

"Yeah, umm, I should probably go too," Seth looked at me apologetically.

"I knew this would happen, I'll go home then." I sighed, and began trudging towards the bus stop.

"Hey, I'll walk you home, okay?" Seth said, jogging to catch up with me. My mood brightened considerably, at least I would get to spend a few extra minutes with him.

We walked together slowly, postponing the moment we would have to say goodbye. To our despair, we arrived at my house. Seth leaned in to kiss me goodbye, but a shout interrupted him;

"Stephanie Watson! Get in this house this minute!" Great, Dayna had discovered my absence. Seth chuckled and turned me around to face the front door.

"You'll have to do it sometime, better not let her get herself worked up." He advised me as he pushed me forward.

"Steph! You are in_ so _much trouble young lady! Just wait until Ben hears about this!" Dayna continued, oblivious of the fact that I was standing right behind her.

"Mom, I know I'm in trouble, but can you calm down so I can explain it to you?" In the darkness, I saw Seth bolt, he knew that I was going to tell Dayna about the dinner we had had. She would search our property until she was satisfied that he was gone and wasn't coming back.

"Okay, I'm listening," she sat down on our swing, and began swinging back and forth unconsciously.

"I just went out for dinner with some friends, we ate pizza, then came back here." I explained.

"Was Seth there?"

"Yes." I told her, "But there were others too, well one other." I couldn't lie about the amount of people there, Dayna would call all of their parents to confirm my alibi.

"Who else?" she always had to concentrate on _who_ was there, not how many.

I gave a sigh of surrender, "Audrey."

Before her name was out of my mouth, my mom had already informed me of my grounding. The only thing worse than being alone with Seth in her world, was being with Seth and Audrey. If she could ban any one of my friends from seeing, talking, or making communication with me, it would be Audrey, and she didn't make a secret of it. She despised my best friend, sure, Audrey had gone through some not-so-appealing things, but it was those things that made us such good friends.

I stormed up to my room, and flung myself down on the bed. Dayna probably held the gold medal for overreacting, I wouldn't be leaving this house for a week. Well, there goes my plans for the movie, I thought, but Dayna may decide to let me out if I don't complain_. _I picked my book up, from where I had dropped it before Dayna's visited. Just before ten o'clock, Ben barged into my room. He riffled through the papers stacked on my desk, sending them scattering everywhere.

"Ben? What are you doing?" my voice broke three times in those simple questions, it wasn't everyday your stepfather searched through your room as though looking for incriminating evidence.

My voice startled him, "Steph? I-I thought you were out," he paused, looking for the right words. "Um-I was just looking for a letter your mother is missing, I thought you may have accidently gathered it up with some of your things..." he tried to convey his story through his eyes. It didn't work.

"Bullshit Ben. You were looking for something that would make me look like some messed up teenager weren't you?" My directness made him do a double take, it made me take one too.

"No I wasn't!" he declared, but the truth was clear in his eyes.

"What were you looking for? Drugs? Cigarettes? Birth control? Well go ahead and look, you won't find any." I sat back on my bed, intent on allowing myself fall into the world of 18th century England.

He sat on my bed, where Dayna had earlier this evening. "Steph-" he stopped, made sure that I was listening, and continued. "I just wanted to make sure, you're sixteen, when I was your age I-well never mind what I did, teenagers can get into a lot of trouble, and I don't want that to happen to you." The I-did-it-for-your-own-good speech, oh joy. "It's not that I don't trust you Steph, I just want to protect you. Do you understand that?"

I wasn't listening, "Uh huh," I said dully, hoping that he would mistake it for guilt. He did.

"Well, I'll leave you alone then, 'night."

"Goodnight Ben," I murmured, still caught up in the world of Elinor and Marianne.

All too soon, I drifted off to sleep, and found myself trapped in a world of ghostly eyes and ghastly smiles.

The next day went perfectly normal. I was driven to school by Seth, sat with him in the classes we had together, and sat with Audrey and Charlotte in the others. I...baby-sat Nick all day, and made sure he was comfortable with his schedule. I secretly hoped that he wouldn't need my help the next day, it was very trying on my patience. Audrey hadn't made her move on Nick yet, but I guessed that it was mainly because of uncertainty, she wasn't sure how Nick would respond, Audrey hated being rejected. Seth had apologized for getting me in trouble, Audrey had shrugged and said "_C'est la vie_."

My grounding sentence continued, though there was nothing Dayna could do about Seth, Audrey, Charlotte and Nick coming over to do our homework together. We had listened to music, danced a bit, and-to my horror-planned a party in my honour. Eventually, Ben had broken up our gathering by announcing that Dayna was kicking my friends out of her house, without beating around the bush.

Seth had kissed my goodbye in one of the few moments when we found ourselves alone. It was one of those kisses, one of the ones that I wished could go on and on forever, his warm, soft lips pressing against mine, no rushing, just passion and love flowing between our closely knit bodies. But it, like every good thing in the world, came to an end, followed by his departure, left an empty feeling in my chest. It only subsided when, I reminded myself constantly that I would see him again the next day. But then, I began to doubt him as always. I spent hours obsessing over the idea that he would not be there in the morning, that he would find someone else, someone more beautiful, someone in his league. It was pitiful to see me when I was in that state, my hair resembled that of an electrocuted person, stuck up in various places, and frizzy beyond belief. Any make-up that I had been wearing was smudged, and dragged into every corner of my face from when I had clawed my fingers through my hair, and ended up making contact with my face. I never let Dayna see me like that. I couldn't let her know how much I thought, how much I loved Seth. The only thing it would do is hurt her, she wasn't accustomed to such passion, having never experienced it, not even with Ben. So, I cleaned up, and gone downstairs to say goodnight to her.

Surprise, surprise. She and Ben had gone out to a movie, they usually did on Wednesday. I pulled out a leftover casserole and stuck it in the microwave. I would need fuel tonight if I wasn't able to divert my mind from Seth. Love stinks. Love is the best thing in the world. Which was it? The answer seemed to be constantly changing, different from minute to minute.

The microwave beeped, bringing me back to reality. I took a bite of my food, not noticing that it was the same casserole I had purposely dumped my share of in the garbage. Maybe thinking about school would help, we had a French test a week Friday, I should probably study, but I knew that I wouldn't. French was like second-nature to me, I had managed to pull a 96 last year, maybe I could beat that this year. Math was even simpler, I had loaded my schedule with functions and a handful of other difficult courses. Gym was my problem, Music too. I play a few of the easier pieces on my Alto Saxophone, but I was no maestro.

I finished eating and dumped my plate in the sink, I would clean it up later. Right now I needed to concentrate on distracting myself from thoughts of Seth. I turned the TV on, there wasn't too much on that interested me these days, but I'd settle for CSI or Law and Order. The team was just about to discover ground-breaking evidence when I heard Dayna's SUV pull into the garage.

"...Ben, I think she's asleep, be quiet please." My mother whispered as she backed into the kitchen.

"Hi Mom, Ben." I greeted them with a terrible fake smile. Dayna at least seemed surprised to see me up, though it was only ten thirty, I usually didn't manage to fall asleep until eleven, or eleven thirty.

"Oh, hi sweetie. What are you watching?" she asked, noticing the commercial that was flashing across the screen.

"CSI, do you want to watch something else?"

"No, it's okay. I was just going to do some work," What work? "But make sure you don't go to bed too late."

"Yeah, sure." I mumbled, the show had come back on, and it was capturing all of my attention.

She walked into the office, and almost slammed the door, I unconsciously noticed that Ben had gone with her. Well, whatever they were doing, it was highly unlikely that it had anything to do with me. As long as I abided by all the rules, there was no need for them to discuss me privately.

After the crew discovered that it was the sister who was the murderer, not the husband, I crawled into my bed, and allowed my mind to sink into slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I swung the saddle over Moniet's back.

"How's it going?" the question came from Adrian, the stable hand, as he walked up and passed me the girth, a lock of his dark hair falling over his eyes.

"Since when do you care?" I pulled it as tight as I could, apparently Adrian thought it wasn't tight enough, he came over to my side of the horse, and managed to pull it up another two holes. Show off.

"Well, you don't usually come on Sunday, unless you're mad." I hated him for a second, why did he have to be so observant?

"So what if I have to go out and relieve some of the stress and pressure that's been building up, you still haven't answered my question, since when do you care about my life?"

He sighed, "Since I realized that I like you as more than a friend."

"I'm not laughing Adrian." I muttered coldly, and it was true. Most of the time whatever he said got a giggle out of me, but I was furious right now.

"Whoa, calm down, don't take whatever it is out on poor Moniet here." He affectionately patted Moniet's muzzle.

"Sorry," I was, I had been so caught up in my own mind that I had accidently rammed the bit into Moniet's mouth.

"Just be careful out there, it's supposed to rain later today," he spun on his heel and walked back toward the office.

As a rescued horse, Moniet was terribly afraid of water, it resembled the acid that she had seen poured on all of her stable mates' backs.

I finished saddling her, and led her out to the pasture. On her back, I was free. Separate from civilization, from the problems caused by human kind. It was just me, Moniet, and the ground that we flew over together. Eventually, I reined her in, and settled at a comfortable canter.

We loped gently down the middle of the field, heading straight for a jumping course that I had arranged earlier that summer. Moniet used to be a champion Hunter/Jumper, but ever since she had come to the farm, we hadn't been able to get her close to a log, or pole.

"Whoa girl," I pulled gently on the bridle, slowing her down to a trot. The log wasn't that big, she could easily step over it, if she decided to.

We approached the 'jump' and I knotted my hands into her mane. It wouldn't be the first time that she had thrown me, we'd been practicing this for months, but she didn't seem to be ready for it.

My eyes flickered open and closed, I didn't want to have to see the ground flipping over when I was thrown off this time, that just added nausea to my list of injuries caused by my falls. I squeezed my eyes closed, we were practically on top of the jump. I braced my body against hers, something I knew I shouldn't do, she would be able to sense my tension, but I couldn't help it. Being flung from a horse's back at least ten times a week wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience in the world.

Wait, where was the abrupt stop, and the bucking? I opened my eyes slowly, cautiously. We were on the ground, Moniet had picked up her canter, and we were going toward the second jump, a slightly larger log, but still small enough to step over.

This time my eyes stayed opened, my body began to arch forward onto her neck, it felt good. Right. Like this was how we had been riding for the past year. There was no hesitation in her stride, she cleared the log with at least three feet to spare. She stopped at my command. I leaned forward and patted her;

"Good girl!" I whispered, more to myself than to her. I had finally been able to break through the wall she had set around herself. If only I was able to do that with some of the humans in my life, it would make my existence a lot easier.

I pushed my leg at the tender spot behind her girth. She automatically sprang into a canter. Wow. I steered her toward the empty patch of grass where I practiced dressage.

"Okay girl, we're going to practice the flying lead change I've been teaching you," I murmured. I had hoped that even though she refused to jump, she might have been willing to work on our dressage together.

As I had hoped, she responded flawlessly to every touch I gave her. When I had decided that she'd had a productive enough workout, I dismounted and led her back into the barn.

"Adrian!" I called, loudly enough for him to hear, wherever he was, but softly enough to keep from scaring Moniet.

"What?" Adrian's head poked out of the office.

"You'll never guess what just happened!" I exclaimed, hoping that he wouldn't ruin my moment with sarcasm. My wishes went unheeded.

"You found another stable and you're moving Moniet there so you won't be torturing me anymore?!" His face held mock enthusiasm.

"No. Moniet jumped!" I bounced up and down as I informed him of this new development.

"Really? That's great, I guess. It shows how much she's improved since you've started working with her. Maybe you'll be able to help rescue some more horses, Jessie will be ecstatic! Do you realize that you managed to get through to her in less than five months, while Jessie spent eight, and got nowhere." He ducked back inside the office and called Jessie. She appeared from the tack room where she had been polishing the saddles.

"Yeah?" she asked, her eyes only for Adrian, I had always suspected that there was something more than friendship between them, and times like this made my belief even stronger.

"It looks like we've got a mini-you on our hands. Steph's got Moniet to jump." He smiled at me.

"W-o-w," she enunciated every letter. "Well, since you're doing so well, you should probably continue to work one-on-one with Moniet, it seems like that's the way we'll get the best responses out of her. So, keep doing whatever you're doing Steph, it looks like it's working." She turned away, and stalked back to the tack room.

"Is she mad?"

"Mad? No, not Jessie, she's just jealous. She'll get over it in a few days, but I can't blame her. If a sixteen year old proved to be better at training at certain horse than me, I'd be green." He gestured to his office, "I should probably get back to work, and you should probably give Moniet a good rub-down.

I nodded and went back to the aisle that I had tethered Moniet in and began removing her saddle and bridle. I groomed her thoroughly, making sure that all of the dirt and dust that had settled in her body were gone.

"See you Moniet." I said as I rubbed her cheek. "I'll be back tomorrow." I leaned over the stall door and gave her a peck on the muzzle. She nuzzled my hand, looking for an apple or carrot, and finding none, withdrew slowly.

I chuckled. It had been a long week, but being with Moniet always made everything else seem so trivial.

"Hey! Steph, wait up!" Someone called from behind as I was leaving the stable. It was Adrian. "Hey, I was just wondering..."

"What did he want?" Charlotte asked. She knew Adrian well, and had always hoped that he would bother to give her a second look. According to her, older men were 'in'.

"I don't really know, he just told me to be careful on my way home. What did he mean? Seth drove me home, he insisted on taking me wherever I wanted to go once Dayna let me out. And he paused before he said it, like he was going to say something else." I had related the events of my afternoon at the stable to her, yet this was the only part she cared about was this. I finally managed to jump Moniet, oh that's great Steph, now about Adrian.

"Do you think he wanted to ask you out?" This was typical of Charlotte, if there was gossip hidden anywhere in my life, she'd dig until she found it.

"I doubt it Steph, Adrian and I are friends, actually, I honestly don't know if we're friends or not, more like acquaintances if anything, though he does joke- it's only joking- about liking me sometimes."

"So if you're not friends, there's no chance of jeopardizing a friendship with a relationship." Charlotte always seemed to turn the most outrageous ideas into something that sounded possible.

"Sure Charlotte, if that's how you want to put it. But I'm not even going to think about things like that. Me and Seth, remember?"

"Yeah, but you could end it with him, it would be a clean, simple break. No tears, or harsh words. That's what I'd do if I were you, which, unfortunately, I'm not."

"That's because all you think about is looks. I'll admit that Adrian is gorgeous, but I love Seth more than I could _ever _love anyone else." I stood fast, I knew that if things ended between Seth and I, it would be his call, I would never be able to walk away from him.

"It's your decision," Charlotte mumbled, realizing that she had lost the battle, but I knew she would continue fighting the war.

"Yup, it is. And I'm deciding to ignore looks, and concentrate on personality." I reached forward and changed the CD in the player. Charlotte was another one of those lucky people who had managed to pass their G1 test. "What do you want to listen to?" I asked, holding up half a dozen CDs.

"That one." She pointed to her favourite band, one of the bands whose names were so random you could string any words together and probably come up with one of their names.

We were halfway through the fourth song when she pulled into the parking lot of our favourite movie theatre where we were meeting the majority of our friends, I, personally was hoping for a better time than I'd had on Friday with Tim. I should have known that he was lying about inviting other people, and that he would convince me to 'wait until they got there'. I had left halfway through the sickening romantic comedy.

Charlotte beat me to the door, "Let's make a truce okay? I'm sorry, I know you love Seth, I was just being stupid. Forgive me?"

"Of course Charlotte. Any idea what we're watching?"

"That one comedy I think, but I'm not positive." She seemed happy that the tension between us had evaporated.

"'Kay." We walked inside together, and I thought about how dumb it had been for me to make such a big deal of something that didn't matter all that much. If Charlotte wanted Adrian, she could have him. I didn't need the drama that came with him.

Seth, Audrey, Samantha, Kelsi, Lizzie, Wendy, Helen, Elise, Eddie, Wes, and John met us inside. Seth and Audrey were instantly at my side.

"Hey, congratulations on getting Moniet to jump," Audrey gave Seth her stare of death. She had wanted to congratulate me first.

"Uh huh." I had guessed that when she had stopped for gas, she would call them and tell them about everything, because I had asked her not to.

We grabbed drinks and popcorn, and went into the theatre. We were about twenty minutes early, but we had lots to talk about. Student council, clubs, relationships, gossip. Charlotte sat in the middle, chatting excitedly to the small group that had formed around her.

I looked at Seth, he returned my gaze with more affection than I had ever seen. I diverted my eyes.

"So, how was your weekend?" I asked him, trying to sound casual.

He shrugged, "Nothing too important happened, went to a car show with Rick." Rick was his older brother.

"Oh, is he back for a while?" Rick was attending the University of Toronto, he was majoring in English literature, but I knew that he was also taking some architecture courses.

"Yeah, but only until Tuesday, his professors are on strike," I had heard about that on the news, "so he's been teaching himself basically. He doesn't think that they'll be going back to their regular schedule any time soon, so he came down here while he could."

A hushed silence fell upon the audience, the opening credits had begun. I laughed in all the right places, but I wasn't paying attention to the movie. Ben had suggested that I think about writing a column in the Record, to satisfy my thirst for writing. Now, every time I had time to myself, I began planning different, teen directed, articles.

Something shook my arm, "Steph?" it said, "The movie's over." What movie?

"Steph, get up!" a second voice demanded, I knew this voice, it was Audrey's. Slowly, I began coming back into reality.

"Sorry, I was thinking." It was a horrible excuse, but it was the best I could come up with while I was still incapable of using my mind's full capacity.

I looked around. "Where's Charlotte? Please tell me that she didn't leave without me!" Charlotte was my ride home, and she still had all of my equipment in her car.

"Relax Steph, Charlotte left like three quarters of the way through the movie, she got a text that Jack in ER, he broke his leg at the skate park. You're going with me and Seth." I silently thanked God for allowing Seth and Audrey to be such good friends, it was a lot easier to have them as friendly to each other as they were to me.

"Yeah, you didn't honestly think that we would leave you here without giving you a ride home, did you?"

"Oh. No, of course not." I hadn't been thinking straight, Audrey was likely to leave me alone and 'experiment' with how long it would take me to get home, but Seth wouldn't.

I felt blessed. Not one of those I'm-delusional-and-I-think-that-this-is-real-love blessed feelings. I felt like Seth and Audrey- okay, well mostly Seth- were my angels, sent from heaven to look over me and make even the worst days seem wonderful.

But angels didn't stay forever, they left. I knew that someday Seth would leave me, I just had to hope that when that day came, I would be strong enough to accept it, though I doubted that I would be able to move on, no matter what happened. It sounded cheesy, like some corny love song that would play on the radio for two days, then be deleted from the playlists. I understood that I would never be able to explain how deep my feelings went to Seth, or anyone else for that matter. I would never be able to describe the absolute power that he had over me any other way then magical.

I felt something jerk beneath me. I looked up, we had stopped outside my house. Sometime while I had been reflecting, Seth and Audrey had managed to get me into the car, and make the twenty-minute drive. Dayna's SUV, and Ben's minivan were still in the garage, Dayna had probably become skittish, and called Ben at work. She got nervous when I didn't come home at the exact time I had told her, she was constantly dreaming up crazy scenarios, all of which included my being murdered or raped. I guess I couldn't expect much less from someone who grew up in the small town of Hanover, population 6 000.

I said bye to my guardians, and left the safety of the Corolla, and entered the war zone of my property.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The few weeks until the beginning of winter passed uneventfully, Nick grew closer to all of us, and it was rare to see him without me or Audrey. Audrey did eventually ask him out, and his extremely polite refusal was "I'm not that comfortable with dating anyone right now, but I would love to do something once we know each other better." Audrey had taken that as a yes, and was now planning to become good friends with him in hopes that he wouldn't refuse when she asked him again.

I noticed a bit of hostility between Seth and Nick. I could only hope that I had imagined it, or that it was only temporary. If Seth was going to get jealous, now was not the time to do it. We had midterms coming up, and I couldn't stand the stress of approaching exams along with tension between my friends. Adrian hadn't mentioned his newfound desire for friendship with me again, which just made me even more positive that it had been one of his jokes.

One day stood out from the rest, about a week before Christmas holidays, I plopped into Seth's car after school, and found him with tear-streaks on his cheeks. I felt a sense of doom, and had an urge to run from it.

Seth wiped his face with his sleeve, and sucked in a huge breath of air. Something was causing him pain, and I wanted to help him.

"Can we talk?" he sounded serious, and I knew that he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Yeah, sure. What's wrong?" I stroked his arm, and he gently pulled it away. My stomach dropped, was this going to be it? Would the one thing I feared most happen now? But surely if this was about _us _he wouldn't be so sad, it was his call. If it hurt him, he wouldn't do it.

Seth put the car into reverse, and pulled out of the student lot. He began driving, I didn't recognize the scenery, but I knew that he wouldn't let himself get lost. He stopped the car beside the forest surrounding our community, and shifted his body so that he was facing me. Again I reached out to comfort him, but he pulled away.

"Steph, before I say anything, I want you to know that I love you, I will always love you, no matter how much I hurt you, I will never care about anything else as much as I care about you." No, no, _no_, NO! "You love Nick." It wasn't a question, I noticed that, and it just made it hurt more, because he believed that I was capable of doing that to him.

"No! Seth, I don't...I-I, how can you think that?" my mind was a mess, I had expected him to tell me that he was seeing someone else, not vice versa.

"You do Steph, and he loves you. I'll never be able to look at you with the compassion that he does, I'll never be able to love you as much. I see how you look at him too, you may not be aware of it, but you've never looked at me like that." I began sobbing, "Listen to me Steph, I'm not saying that you don't love me, I think you do, but you just love him more." Why was he doing this? How could he see something that wasn't there?

"Seth," I was a mess, and I knew it. If Seth had wanted to leave me before, there was no doubt that he would want to leave me all the more now. "Please don't!"

"I don't want to-"

"Then don't!"

"But I have to. I'm sorry Steph, but I can't continue knowing that I'll always be second." He would have to force me out if he wanted me to leave.

"You _never_ were second Seth! You are, and always have been first! Don't you understand that?"

"I understand that you don't realize that your feelings for me aren't as strong as you think they are. I'm Edgar to your Cathy." He knew that I was obsessed with Wuthering Heights, he obviously thought that by explaining it in terms I was familiar with, it would soften the blow. Well he was wrong. I wouldn't leave him, I needed him to function properly.

"And what? Are you saying that Nick is Heathcliff? In case you don't remember, Heathcliff ends up with Isabella, and Cathy _stays_ with Edgar."

"But that doesn't mean she's happy. The most important thing to me is your happiness, if you're happy with Nick, I'll stand aside, but I'll always be there for you. I'll always love you." He paused. "I'll take you home now, I understand if you don't want to be with me." How could he be so idiotic? The only thing I wanted right now was to be with him.

"Don't hold your breath," I muttered, "you still have to get me out of the car."

He laughed, but it wasn't cheerful. "I don't think that will be a problem, you're forgetting that Dayna will probably give you a hundred dollars for getting rid of me."

"Yeah right, like I won't tell her that it was all your decision."

He looked at me scornfully, "You wouldn't."

"I would. I mean, if you and I aren't anything anymore, why should I protect you from her wrath?"

Seth sighed, "You've misunderstood me. I want to be with you, forever- or at least as long as I can- but as a friend, nothing more."

"What if I don't want you around?"

"Then I won't force my presence upon you, but I hope you'll change your mind."

"That's likely," once I made up my mind, it was next to impossible to change.

"Just promise me one thing before I make you get out of the car. Be happy, if you're happy, I'm happy."

"Whatever." Like I could ever be happy without him.

Seth came around to the passenger side of the car and opened my door.

"Where are you taking me?" I had heard stories of what jealous boyfriends had done before.

"I hope you're not going to make me take you anywhere, but maybe I will have to carry you into your own house." Oh. We were outside the house.

"Good luck trying to pry me from this seat." I wound my hands around the seat.

"Come on Steph, don't be difficult." Seth grabbed me by my waist, and tried to pull me into a fireman's carry. I evaded his arms and pressed my lips to his. At first he tightened his arms around me, pressing me to his body with a undeniable need, but then he seemed to remember that we were no longer a 'we' and pushed me away. "No," he scolded. I pushed my lower lip out into a pout. "Steph, go into the house, please, before you make me do something we'll both regret." He steered me toward the door, and backed away and grabbed my keys from my coat pocket. Seth unlocked my door, and darted inside to make sure that Dayna wasn't there.

Inside, he placed me down on the couch, and turned the TV on.

"There," he said, even though I had entered shock, and was unresponsive, "now you'll at least look absorbed in whatever you decide to watch." He left the room, but a few seconds later, rushed back in a pecked my cheek.

My hand flung up to the spot that he had kissed, it burned, as though he had been possessed by some kind of demon.

I lost track of time, stuck in my own world, I didn't notice Dayna and Ben's entry, or their seemingly infallible attempts to bring me into their world.

When I did escape the safe place my mind had come, I burst into tears. Seth was gone, I was gone. A new thought dawned on me; Nick was the cause of this, it was because of him that Seth had left me, if I could prove that I didn't like Nick as anything more than a friend, Seth would take me back- hopefully. Furthermore, if I could make him jealous, maybe he would give in to his love for me. If Adrian was serious when he said that he liked me as more than a friend, I could easily convince him to go out with me. That was it, I would use Adrian apparent devotion to me in my favour. But that wasn't like me, I didn't use other people to get what I wanted, that was something that Bridget would do, but I would do anything for Seth, he was my sun, my air, my life.

For the rest of the night, and into the early hours of the morning, I sat in bed, crying over my loss, and planning my attempt to get it back.

At five o'clock, I gave up the possibility of sleep, and spent a few hours making myself look as good as I could. I would make Seth regret what he had done. I curled my hair, and ironed it into perfect ringlets. I threw my favourite pink tank top underneath a v-neck sweater, and pulled my legs into a pair of flattering jeans.

All in all, I spent two hours on that portion of my appearance, I spent another thirty minutes- call me superficial if you will- on makeup making sure that any unwanted blemishes were invisible.

At seven, Dayna poked her head into my room.

"Hey, I didn't think you'd be awake. I mean, after what happened last night, I thought you would need all the sleep you could get."

"Yeah, I probably do, but I couldn't get to sleep." I murmured, it was embarrassing to talk about.

"You want to tell me what it was about?" Ugh. Great, now I would have to tell her all about it, I may as well pretend to go back to sleep, at least it would spare me the he's-not-good-enough-for-you talk.

"Just stuff Mom, nothing too important. I'd bore you with all the details." I hoped that my lie wasn't too obvious.

I guess it was, "What did Seth do? Did he break up with you?"

"Does it matter Mom? It's over and done with. Telling you won't change anything."

"I bet it will make you feel better."

"Fine. If you're so insistent, but you have to promise not to interrupt me, and not to get mad at anyone you is involved.

She sighed, "Agreed."

I told her the story of what had happened between me and Seth the past night. I edited parts of the story that were a little too revealing into my emotions, and added faults of my own to balance out what she would perceive as Seth's fault.

Dayna tried to say something while I was explaining Seth's exact words in the car, but I held a hand up to remind her of her promise. She settled back into her relaxed pose.

When I was done, she said nothing, but grabbed me and pulled me into a hug.

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. Just remember that I'm always here for you, I'll always listen when you have something to say."

"Thanks Mom." It was all I could think of. It wasn't easy to find the right words to say after spilling your guts out.

"But I want to meet this Nick boy before you start dating him." I pushed her away. Leave it to Dayna to ruin what might have been a very nice mother- daughter moment.

"_I am not going to date Nick!_" I shouted.

"Well you said that Seth-"

"I know what I said! Just because Seth has deluded himself into thinking that I like Nick," I didn't say the word 'love' around my mother, it usually brought up uncomfortable conversations, "does not mean that I do!"

"Okay, okay. Tell me when you're ready and I'll drive you to school."

"Actually, I think I'll walk today. I need some fresh air."

"It's freezing outside Steph!"

"I've walked in colder climates than this Mother."

She knew that she had lost, and left the room. I finished dressing, grabbed my bags and walked out the door.

A green Corolla waited in the driveway. Seth waved from the driver's seat. I ignored the car, and began striding in the direction of the school. The car kept pace with me. The window was rolled down, and Seth said,

"Get in the car Steph, stop being difficult." I continued walking.

He pulled into the next driveway, and blocked the sidewalk. "Get in." It wasn't a request, it was an order.

"No." I walked around the vehicle and kept going.

"You're not walking to school, even if I have to force you into this car."

"Is that a threat?" I raised my eyebrows. Seth must really want me to drive with him today, he would never threaten to do something that would make me uncomfortable. Well, he had had his chance, now it was my turn.

"You bet it is. And you can also bet that I'll carry it out if you make me."

"_I'm _not making you do anything. I choose to ignore you, and I'm _not_ changing my mind."

"So be it, I'll just drive beside you every step of the way."

"Someone will call the cops." I said confidently.

"Now why would they do that?"

"They'll think you're stalking me."

"And what if they think that I'm trying to talk you out of whatever you're planning on doing. Maybe they think that you're planning suicide, then I'll become the hero that saved you."

"They won't think that if I yell for help."

He sighed, "Ah Steph, we both know that you wouldn't do that."

"Of course not, I love you." It sounded like such a simple answer.

"I love you too."

"Then _why_?" We both knew what I meant.

He moaned, "I thought that I explained this last night Steph, you love-"

"I do _not_ love Nick!"

"Denial, the first step to recovery. At least you can admit that you feel something for Nick."

"Since when is denial the first step to recovery, and I haven't said anything about how I feel about Nick. Though, if you must know, I feel nothing more than friendship." I knew what he was doing, he was trying to coax a confession out of me. Did he think that he would feel better if his accusations were true? Would he feel better knowing that he didn't leave me for nothing?

"Steph, if you keep walking we're going to be late." I noticed his subtle change of conversation, at least he didn't want to discuss something that aggravated me.

"Who said anything about we? I don't care if I'm late, but it's your decision to stay here with me."

"I don't want to leave you."

"You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night, in fact, I believe it was you who decided to leave me forever."

"That's not fair, I_ will not_ be second to you Steph, and since I am, I decided not to be anything to you."

"You still don't understand do you? As I told you last night, you never were second to me, and you're still my everything, even though you don't want to be."

"If that's what you want to believe..." he let his voice trail off.

"You're damn right I believe it, because it's true!"

"Steph, calm down. Don't be unreasonable, I still think that you love me, I just don't think that you love me as much as you think." He reached his arm out to grab me, but I dodged him.

"I'm not listening to this again." I stormed off, intending to take a path through the woods to get to school. It would take an extra thirty hours, but I wouldn't have to put up with Seth driving beside me, it was a small sacrifice to make for peace of mind.

I hadn't counted on Seth jumping out of his car and running after me. I broke into a sprint, he did too.

"Will you leave me alone please!?" I was frustrated, the one and only person I loved was chasing me. Why did that sound so unreal? Because if I loved him so much, I wouldn't make him chase me. Was Seth right? Did I love Nick? No, impossible. I was not in love with him, I barely knew him, and I was certain that he didn't feel like that about me. Seth was wrong, he just hadn't realized it yet.

"If you really, really want me to leave you alone, it'll be like you never met me. But is that what you want?" Dang it. How did he always manage to make me regret what I said.

I stopped and looked down, "No."

"Good, because I don't want to go. But if it makes you happy, I will. I've always tried to avoid causing you pain Steph, but sometimes causing pain will help you become happy in the long run. That's the only reason there's no more 'us', I want you Steph, more than I've ever wanted anybody, but I know I can't have you. Like the story of Adam and Eve, you're the forbidden fruit, but I won't give in and take you, neither of us will be happy if I do. You're shaking your head. We may not regret it during the first few days or weeks, but you can't be happy with me, not any more. You haven't been truly happy since this summer, you haven't been happy since Nick came."

I spun around and stalked away again. This was exactly what I didn't want to hear, and I wouldn't listen to it.

Seth easily caught up to me. "Stop and listen to me. I'm sorry that I've hurt you, and believe me, if I could find any way to make you happy, I would, even if it meant removing myself from your life, but as you can see, I'm not strong enough to do that. So, I'm doing the next best thing, I'm removing myself from your love life."

"Well, you can stay out of it, for all I care. I think I'll ask Adrian out."

"No you will not!"

"Excuse me Dad, but I don't think that you have any control over my life. I can date whomever I choose."

"The only reason this is happening is so you can be happy, I broke up with you so that you could date Nick."

"I don't want to date Nick, because I'm not interested in Nick. Is that a crime? I _am_ interested in Adrian though, and I think that we may be a great couple, don't you?" I hoped that in his anger, Seth wouldn't notice my voice as it faltered.

"If she's going to date Adrian, there's no reason for us to be apart, but she loves Nick. Yes, she loves Nick. She'll get tired of me, it's not worth it." Seth mumbled as he thought out loud.

"Seth!" I said loudly, breaking the spell that hung over him.

"Don't try to trick me Steph, you don't love Adrian, I don't even know if you like him. We're over, and nothing's going to change that." Why did he have to be so mean?

"Then you can go back to your car, you're not of any use to me out here. It'd be better if we didn't try to be friends," was I really saying this? "You'll just tear my heart even more than you already have."

He looked around, searching for the right words, "I'm not sure if I can do that Steph, I don't think you can either. You are like...my sun, my air, I need you to live.

"You're my life Seth, but you've already made your decision, don't change it now, I don't think I could handle that.

"You're right, you almost always are. By trying to stay close to you, I'm just hurting you more. Goodbye Steph, don't count on seeing me too much anymore, I promise not to hurt you again." He turned around, and walked back down the path. Tears swelled in my eyes. This was it, Seth was gone for good, gone forever. Because of Nick. Because of me. This was my fault, and I had been blaming Nick. God, I was a monster.

I began down the path again, but stopped and turned around. I couldn't go to school today, not after what had happened. I went back to the house.

Great. I've now got the whole day to do something, what am I going to do? Adrian was nineteen, he didn't have any classes in the morning. I decided to go down to the farm, it wasn't a terribly long walk or bike ride, I could be there in an hour.

I wheeled my bike out of the garage, it was rusty, I hadn't ridden it in almost a year. Now the only thing I had to do was bike twenty kilometres, no sweat. I'll just be unable to move my legs in the morning, big deal.

I pushed off with my foot, and began pedaling, hard. I needed to be there, with Moniet and Adrian, where I didn't have to worry about the drama of high school.

After biking five kilometres, it began to pour. I cursed myself. Why hadn't I remembered an umbrella? Now I would be soaked by the time I got there. I pulled the hood of my sweater over my head, it wouldn't last for long, but it was all I had.

Another ten kilometres...another five. I reminded myself, by now the rain had drenched my hood, and made its way to my scalp, I had a metal image of what I must look like, a teenager ditching school, biking in the rain, soaked to the bone in water. At least my hair was wet instead of messy, wet hair would dry, but messy hair couldn't be fixed until I got home.

I knocked on the door of Adrian's 'apartment' after placing my bike down on the soggy grass. He opened it.

"Hey, playing hooky? Shouldn't you be in school?" Adrian's eyes were puffy, he had been woken by my knock.

"Shouldn't you be doing your job?"

"Touché." He grinned at a remembered joke, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, right now I'm annoying you, but I thought that you might want to for a ride." I peeked into the foyer, it was covered in clothes, books, and papers that looked like essays.

"It's raining." He was still drowsy from sleeping.

"Thank you Captain Obvious, you know, I just biked here, and I was trying to find out what that wet stuff falling from the sky was." I gestured to my clothes.

"Wow, did you decide to jump into a puddle on your way or something?" He picked up a piece of my hair, and made a show of wringing it dry.

"Yes I did, just for you. Are we going riding or not?"

"Dry off first, you'll give poor Moniet a heart attack if you show up looking like a drenched cat. Come in, I'll find something for you to change into." Adrian opened the door wider to admit me. I stepped in, careful to avoid the larger parts of the mess.

"I think one of my old girlfriends was your size, let me see if I can find any of her old clothes." He disappeared through a door. Adrian kept his ex-girlfriend's clothing? Why? "Here," he said, reappearing again, holding a blue t-shirt, white sweater, and a pair of jeans, "you can change in there." He pointed to a room that I assumed was the bathroom.

I changed quickly, he was right, the clothes fit me perfectly, and hung my wet garments over the edge of the bathtub, I would leave them to dry.

"Okay, done." I said as I gently closed the door, being careful not to shut any of the items littered around it in the bathroom.

"You look good," he said, appraising my figure.

"Um, thanks." I wasn't used to anybody besides Seth complimenting me, I would have to get used to it though, if my plan was going to work.

"So," he began casually as we walked to the barn, "how are things with you and Seth?" That struck a nerve, I bit my tongue to keep my anger welled up inside.

"I'd rather not talk about that." My teeth were clenched.

"That bad huh? It's the same for me and Ashley," Ashley was his latest girlfriend, "we broke it off a few days ago, I guess it wasn't meant to be." He shrugged. If only I could be that carefree, but I knew that that wish would go unanswered.

"I'm sorry," no I wasn't, a small part of me wanted Adrian, it always had. I would just have to feed the fire in order to achieve what I wanted.

"Don't be, but I _am_ sorry about you and Seth, you were really happy together. Life can be crappy can't it?"

"Yup. Who are you going to ride?" I changed the topic, I was here to escape Seth, I didn't want to end up discussing him with Adrian.

"I think I'll take Angel out, I haven't ridden her in a while."

"Okay, see you out there then." We had reached the barn.

I quickly groomed and saddled Moniet, I was anxious to be with Adrian again, for reasons I didn't understand.

"You ready?" Adrian asked as he poked his head around the corner.

"Yeah, let's go." I threw my borrowed sweater on, grabbed Moniet's reins and headed for the door.

Adrian blocked my path. "You sure you want to go now? It's raining pretty hard out there."

"Aw. Are you scared?" I said in a singsong voice.

"No. Let's go."

We mounted inside, to avoid the complications of mounting a skittish horse in the rain, and rode out into the chilly morning. Adrian was right, the rain was coming down quick and hard.

I broke into a extended trot, now was my time to show off in front of him. He must have realized that I wanted to seem better than him, so he broke into a canter at the same time. "Catch me if you can!" he leaned low over Angel's neck, and gently pushed against her flank. She began to gallop.

"Come on girl," I whispered to Moniet as I bent into a jockey's position. We were like a bullet shooting out of the barrel. In a few seconds, we had caught up to Adrian and Angel, I shot him a smile, and he returned it.

"So, Jessie's protégée knows how to race. Glad to see that she's been teaching you something instead of wallowing in jealousy." He commented as we halted our horses, and resumed a comfortable walk.

"Me too. I don't know what I would have done if you had won that, I've always been so competitive."He wiped his dripping hair off of his face.

"Steph," he began.

"Hmm?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee after this. You know, and dry off. But if it's too soon after- what happened, I understand." It was subtle, but I heard a spark of hope in his tone.

"Yeah, sure." His face brightened considerably at my reply.

"Great!" I couldn't believe that it would be this easy, I had counted on having to persuade Adrian into pretending to be my boyfriend, but I hadn't counted on him asking me out before I had a chance to do that.

We finished our ride, smiling at each other at regular intervals, and unsaddled our horses. I had just started brushing Moniet's mane, when I turned around, hoping to get a glimpse of him while he wasn't looking. He was staring at me. I blinked- twice. The look in his eyes, it was so..._adoring_. Like he was ready to jump in front of a bullet for me. I was familiar with it, I'd seen it many times lighting up Seth's eyes.

He shook his head, "Sorry, I zoned out for a minute." I nodded to say that I believed him, but when my back was turned, I saw him gaze at me again out of the corner of my eye.

When we were done, he linked his arm through mine, cautiously, he wanted to see how I would respond. I helped guide his arm, and squeezed it once it was comfortably nestled on mine.

I looked at him to smile, but he was looking at me again, the same look in his eyes. I turned away, blushing.

We got into his truck, a black GMC, and he turned the heater on full blast. The car ride was quiet, neither of us knew what to say, so we communicated through looks and gestures.

"Well," he began as he pulled into the parking lot of a small cafe, "here we are."

The coffee was good, the company was great. I felt the fire in my heart growing larger every moment I spent with Adrian, he was blowing on the flame, and he didn't even know it.

All too soon, Adrian stood up, his first class was starting soon, and it would take a while to get to the university in the rain. He approached me slowly, and pecked me on the cheek, when I didn't do anything, he pressed his lips to mine, briefly. "Um, bye." He rushed out of the cafe. It had been agreed that I would take a taxi home, I didn't want to run the risk of having one of my friends see me in Adrian's car, and accuse me of cheating on Seth.

I finished my cappuccino, and pulled out my cell phone. It had been a birthday present from my dad before he went paranoid and convinced him that I was conspiring with Dayna against him. The good ole days, as I liked to think of them. Before the divorce, and the short period of kindness after it. I dialled the number that Charlotte had drilled into my memory. Her parents owned a taxi company, and they had promised me free rides whenever I needed them.

The taxi came, I told the driver my address, and the familiar landmarks flew past all around me.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Where were you yesterday?" Audrey's inquisitive voice brought me out of my reflections.

"Sick." It was the same answer I had given everyone else, only Seth had seemed unconvinced that it was the truth. He hadn't told anyone about us, he had said that he wanted me to be able to choose to tell them when I was ready, I wasn't, at least not yet.

"Oh. What was it? The flu?"

"Yeah, sure. The flu, uh huh." Even I could hear the dead tone in my voice.

"You sure you feel all right? You sound kind of, I don't know, depressed." How touching, Audrey was concerned.

"I'm absolutely sure that I feel horrible."

"Okay, umm Steph, if it's not because of the flu, you know that you can always tell me about it."

"Thanks." Maybe it was time to tell people, I didn't want them to think that things were all right between us, when they were far from being okay.

Seth slipped onto the spot on the bench beside me. I stood up and walked to the other end. Audrey's curious eyes followed me every step of the way. I saw her cast a look at Seth, he put on a confused face and shrugged.

Charlotte and Elise were retelling the story of their double date with Wes and John, each of them adding seemingly important details as the other told her part. A large group had formed around them, it was known far and wide that Charlotte had stolen Wes from Bridget, our grade's mean girl. Many girls admired the qualities that had made Wes become infatuated with Charlotte, and many boys were grateful for the fact that they didn't have to hear Wes brag about being with Bridget, who appeared unattainable.

I sank into the background, nodding every now and then, oohing, ahhing, and laughing with the rest of the audience. Thankfully, Charlotte didn't notice me, and I was completely and utterly ignored for the rest of our lunch break.

Physics brought no such luck. Audrey and Nick insisted on sitting beside me, even when I told them that they would probably catch the flu from me. I tried to concentrate on the lecture our substitute was giving, on electromagnetism, but I couldn't. I kept catching sight of Audrey and Nick signing to each other- they both, unfortunately, spoke American Sign 

Language. Can you speak something if all it is, is gestures? I had no idea, but I didn't care enough to find out.

At one point during the increasingly boring lecture, Nick plucked my empty sheet of paper that I was supposed to be filling with notes out from underneath my elbows. He shook his head sorrowfully, and dropped my page back down again, but it wasn't my sheet. This piece of paper was crammed with notes on electromagnetism, I looked at Nick, my eyebrows raised. Surely he hadn't had time to write this, he had been 'talking' with Audrey for the whole class.

Audrey was looking at the notes too. She couldn't understand them either, that made me feel better, at least I wasn't the only one that was confused.

Mr. Clark walked by our desk, he leaned down close to Nick's ear and muttered "Mr. Hill, if you have anything to share with the class, I'm sure we would all love to hear it." He looked down at Nick's binder, "Would you mind showing me your notes?"

Nick looked dumbfounded, I came to his rescue, "Here they are, Nick let me borrow them to make sure I had every important detail." I prayed that Mr. Clark would not ask to see my own notes. He didn't, he just walked back to his place beside the projector that he was using for visual aid. He continued on;

"As I said at the beginning of the class, electromagnetism is the physics of the electromagnetic field: a field which exerts a force on particles that possess the property of electric charge, and is in turn affected by the presence and motion of those particles..." Nick looked at me and touched his fingers to his lips, then moved them so his palm was facing upward- thank you. I signed 'you're welcome' I had learned a few words in American Sign Language from Audrey, but I had never had the patience to become fluent.

Nick smiled, he loved the fact that the three of us could communicate without anyone else understanding. We could talk about anything in ASL, though I was frequently forced to ask for a definition, my understanding of the language was very basic, but I could read lips well.

The bell rang; Physics had seemed to drag on forever, even though it had only been an hour. I was scared to find out how long Functions would last.

Audrey separated from us, she had Gym. I had dropped it after the coach made it clear that we would be playing dodgeball every Friday. Miss Amada wheeled one of the ancient television sets that belonged to the school into the room. Great, a movie. Just when I thought my day couldn't get any more boring, now the next hour would be spent trying to make out the pictures in the blurring screen.

I sunk back into my chair, as long as we weren't doing anything of importance, I may as well catch up on all the sleep I had lost during the past few nights. Nick settled back into his chair too, he obviously had the same plan as me. Miss Amada started the VCR player; a fuzzy image appeared on the screen. To me, it looked like a Disney character, but this was a movie on calculus, I had no idea why we were watching this in Functions, neither did anyone else in the class. I closed my eyes, but the buzzing of the video kept me anchored to this world. I looked at Nick; he was squinting at the TV, trying to make out the subjects of the cameras. I focused my eyes too, it worked, a bit. I could now make out a few of the numbers and procedures that they showed, but the audio was completely lost to me.

I resorted to thinking, like I hadn't done enough of that! I thought about Adrian, mostly. Charlotte and Audrey swam through my thoughts too. How would Charlotte react when I told her about me and Adrian? What would Audrey say when I told her about me and Seth? These thoughts acted as a sedate, and eventually, I sunk into unconsciousness.

"OW!" Something had slapped my cheek.

"Sorry, guess you are awake." I knew that voice. I swatted in its direction with my hand, I felt skin slip under my grasp.

"Nick..." I grumbled.

"The movie's over Steph, you fell asleep. I'm clueless as to how you did though; I couldn't close my eyes for a minute without getting a huge headache."

I opened my eyes; they were almost completely sealed together with the remnants of my nap. Nick's face swam before mine, I turned my head. We had three minutes to get to History. I opened my mouth to say something, but Nick guessed what I was going to tell him. "Yeah, I know. I've been trying to wake you up for almost ten minutes. You're a really deep sleeper."

I mumbled something unintelligible, and sat up. God, why did I have to fall asleep during the movie? I had probably been utterly embarrassed when the class was dismissed; I'd seen what the juniors in this school did to others who were found asleep.

Audrey took Nick's seat beside me in History. I knew that as soon as the class started, she would bombard me with questions.

As I had thought, as soon as the teacher began the lesson- on the War of 1812- she asked me what had happened between me and Seth. I decided that it was time to explain everything.

"We're not a 'we' anymore Audrey."

"Why?" she exclaimed this, and caused the teacher to turn around from the whiteboard and look at us questioningly.

"He thinks that I'm in love with Nick." Even though my answers were simple, I knew that Audrey would see the deeper meaning in them.

"Why?" she asked again, I could tell that this would be a common reply for the duration of this conversation.

"Something about the way we look at each other, and the way we act around each other."

"So he not only thinks that you love Nick, but that Nick loves you?" Audrey looked crestfallen. She knew that Seth was, more often than not, dead on with his suspicions.

"Yeah, but I'm not even remotely interested in Nick. I think that he's just seeing what he wants to."

"I suppose that that's reasonable,"

"Which one? His accusation, or my opinion?"

"Your opinion. I for one haven't seen anything but friendly words and looks passing between the two of you." She said this with an air of dignity; I wasn't sure if she really believed in it, or if she was just protecting her pride.

"There's more,"

"What?" she didn't seem interested now, and I debated whether or not to go on.

"I'm going out with Adrian."

"YOU'RE WHAT?!" This attracted the attention of everyone in the room, our conversation couldn't continue now. "Sorry." Audrey smiled apologetically at the teacher; he nodded and resumed the lesson.

I leaned back against my chair; I would have to explain as much as I could in sign language. I'm only doing it to make Seth jealous, I signed, I _do _like Adrian, but nowhere near as much as I love Seth.

Oh, that makes sense, Audrey replied. Only she could see the sense and not the hostility in my actions.

I actually managed to take notes for the rest of the class, even though I felt like my head was about to explode.

Audrey offered me a ride home, before remembering that she had come with Seth. So, I donned my favourite coat, and walked home in the falling snow.

Dayna was home already, apparently, I had a driver's test that afternoon, and she wanted to go over some things with me.

"Congratulations, you've passed!" Yes, yes! _Yes! _ I had passed, finally. No more walking to school or begging friends for rides.

I bounded out of the car, and slammed into Ben. Our relationship had improved slowly but surely since the spying incident.

"Did you pass?" he sounded excited. Ben? No, I must have imagined it.

"Yes!" I finally spoke the word that had been echoing in my head.

"That's great sweetie!" his voice sounded artificially sweet. I looked up at him, despite his cheerful tone; he face was carved with worry.

"What is it?" I followed his gaze, my eyes landed on Seth. Oh no. I guess Dayna had told him about what had happened, it was only natural for him to be mad at Seth.

Seth caught sight of me, and loped over, "Hey Steph, Ben." Ben had earlier given Seth permission to call him by his first name; I could tell that he regretted it now.

I turned away from Seth, dramatically flipping my hair over my shoulder. He placed his hand on my neck, bent down and whispered in my ear, "Let's not make a melodramatic scene, okay? I came here as a friend, because, as I told you, I want to stay close to you, just not that close."

"Humph! Maybe I don't want you close at all." I was a lousy actress, but I managed to pull off an I'm- not- speaking- to- you manner.

"If that's what you want..." he backed away from me. I instinctively clutched at his arm, I needed him for as long as I could have him. "Good. I see you still like me, even after everything I've done to you."

"Yes, and I'm incredibly stupid for even talking to you. But, you're like a cigarette for me, I can't get enough, and even when I try to quit, I end up coming back."

"Shh, we don't need to frighten Ben with the details of our relationship, why don't we talk somewhere more private?" He pointed to a small opening in the wall, I assumed it lead to an office of sorts.

It opened into a small, cluttered room, with a small computer desk and ripped chair. The room was unoccupied, and Seth and I could talk in private.

"Why am I here?" Oops. Did I just say that out loud?

I guess I did, "You're here because you love me. Don't think that I don't know that, and I think it's important for you to know that there hasn't been a second since I walked out that door that I don't regret it."

I was confused, I knew that it would show on my face, and then there would be no reason to ask the question that had been bugging me for days. "So, if you love me as much as you say you do-"

"I do." His voice was confident.

"-then why did you rip and tear my heart like that?"

"Hmm, how do I explain this in a way that won't seem trivial to you. Okay, think of a young child, a toddler. Now think of how he would act if someone wanted to share his favourite- no that's a horrible comparison. Umm, have you ever read the Bible? You know that one story, about the king- Solomon I think- and the women and the baby. The one who loved the baby most would rather give it up then tear it in half... that's how I feel with you. Well, almost how I feel. I'll give you up if you'll be happier that way. Does that make sense?" His hair had fallen across his face as he explained, it looked irresistible.

"Sort of, I guess." I mumbled. It made all the sense in the world, everything Seth said did. It was like he was perfect, crafted by the gods to be my biggest temptation in life.

"Good," he smiled, "now I want you to promise me one thing, since you haven't kept your first one, I think it's only fair that you agree to this one.

"Act civil to me, please. Everyone's getting scared of the coldness you've been treating me with. I'm not asking you to act like we're best friends, just a 'hello', or 'how are you?' every now and then."

"Agreed. But if I prove to you that I don't love Nick, will you accept it, and come back to me?"

"So that's your deal breaker is it? I knew you would have one. Fine, if you can prove- and I know that you won't- that you don't love Nick or anyone else, I'll consider getting back together with you."

"Consider? No, I want your word that we'll be a 'we' again." I knew that I was being stubborn, but I had learned that it was the most effective way to compromise with Seth.

He sighed. I knew that sigh. It was his sigh of defeat. "You drive a hard bargain," he saw my face lighten visibly, "but that is not a yes. Let me ask you one question, just one. What if you don't want to get back together with me? What if after everything I've done to you, you think that you'll be happier with someone else?"

I scowled. He seemed to understand it, because he instantly repented, and stroked my arm in what was supposed a comforting way. I grimaced as the friction between his hand and my sleeve built up. This was all wrong. I shouldn't be letting him do this. It would make it even worse to pretend with Adrian, and that was hard enough already.

I sensed that the conversation was over. Everything was still, and I could hear the occasional click of the camera in the next room as everyone who had passed the test had their picture taken. I slipped into the line, ignoring Seth's presence behind me.

"Step right up here." The girl behind the camera's dead, bored tone beckoned me forward. I looked into the lens, and glimpsed my reflection. My hair hung limp at my sides. It looked the way I felt. Nonliving, bland. Worthless, disgusting. I hated myself. I didn't deserve Seth. Or Adrian and Audrey.

The flash went off, but I didn't notice. I was using all of my strength to keep myself from running back to Seth, apologizing, and ruining any possibility of being happy again. I walked slowly out of the way, and trudged to Ben's van. I pretended not to notice Seth's shadow darted along behind me. He just wanted to make sure that I was alright, he was so nice. What had I done to even come close to deserving someone like him.

The van had already been started, and a wave of warm air hit me when I opened the passenger door. Ben moved the stack of papers that had built up in the time that had passed 

since I had ridden with him, I usually grabbed a ride with Dayna, we shared the same taste in music, Ben hated the foreign bands that I had developed a liking for during my travels.

He switched the CD in the player. Great, opera music. A little every now and then was okay, but with Ben it was constant. The music reached a crescendo, and Ben still hadn't said anything. Obviously, there was something wrong, but it was his decision whether or not to tell me.

He turned the volume down, this was good, we were getting somewhere. "Um, Steph?" who else?

"Yeah Ben?" I put on my best innocent voice.

"I- um- I noticed that you were talking to Seth." So?

"Okay..." I gestured for him to continue.

"And, well, your mother told me that you were...having some problems with him, and I just wanted you to know, that if he bugs you at all, you can always tell me or Dayna about it." Ugh. Now he would expect me to come running to him every time something happened.

"What, do you think he's a stalker or something?" I stared hard into Ben's skull, hoping that he would notice my eyes drilling a hole into his temple.

"No, not a stalker. But, some boys can get a little...overprotective after," he paused, Ben had never been good with words, "after they- um, break up with their girlfriends." He seemed pleased that he had gotten through it without making either of us too uncomfortable. If I was going to talk to anyone about relationship problems, it would not be Ben.

"In case Dayna didn't tell you, Seth left me. If anything, it would be me 'bothering' him."

"I know sweetie, but hasn't he tried to get back together?" his expression was a mixture of hopefulness, and horror. It must be hard, being the stepfather of a teenage girl. Always hoping that she'll meet someone she likes and be happy, but being afraid of some of the messes she gets herself into.

"No he hasn't Ben," he grimaced, my tone was harsh, "and he won't. He seems to be under the impression that I'm not happy with him." It felt weird, talking to Ben about my life.

Ben shook his head, he didn't understand why Seth would think something like that, and I wasn't about to enlighten him.

I reached forward and popped one of my favourite CDs into the player, Ben rolled his eyes as the German lyrics began.

"Can you even understand this?" he raised his voice above the music.

I stared at him. He was missing something obvious, he just needed to realize it. "Oh, that's right, you spent a summer in Germany, yeah, with that girl. Ah, what's her name? Katharina?" he continued running through all of the German names he knew, until he remembered that she wasn't a true German, that she had emigrated from England.

I slumped back into the seat, as long as he was trying to remember my partner's name, Ben wouldn't be bothering me about my 'poor taste in music', and I would be able to enjoy it.

I had begun tapping my fingers in time with the drums when Ben exclaimed, "Rachael! Ha! I knew that I would remember it, it just took some time!" I sighed, the time of peace and quiet had ended, now I would be forced to listen to his complaints and criticisms. "Have you seen this guy's hair? It looks like he was shocked or something."

I tried to drown out Ben's voice with the music, but he refused to go unheard. "They call this music? This isn't music, Frank Sinatra is music." When he couldn't find anything else to criticize, he began reciting his favourites again.

I had almost given up and fished my headphones out of my bag, but we pulled into the driveway just as Ben was starting his absolute favourite, mimicking the lyrics, but messing them up horribly because of his small understanding of the language.

I grabbed the disk, and sprinted into the house, every time I listened to the music, I managed to see another meaning in it, it was my inspiration. If I was writing a song or a story, I always had it on, blaring through my room.

I sat down at my desk, and sang the lyrics I had in my head;

They didn't describe how I felt, I had never felt like that, but if I was going to pull it off with Seth, my songs couldn't be cheerful, they needed to tell him that I was moving on, that my ship was about to set sail, and he wouldn't be on it.

I turned my laptop on, it was so much easier to write the music to go with the lyrics on using one of the programs my father had sent me for my birthday. Without a return address, of course.

I leaned back in my chair, and tapped my fingers on my knees along with the lyrics. That would transform into my drumming part.

I slaved over the music until midnight, when I remembered that I smelled extremely bad, and went to take a shower. I let the hot water released all the tension created by bending over a computer. I groaned. The bottle of my favourite shampoo was empty. Dayna. She always commented me on my hair, leave it to her to use up the last of my shampoo while I was busy.

I grabbed hers. It wouldn't work as well, it was meant for coloured hair, but it would have to do.

I towelled off, and slipped into a tank top and a pair of sweats. I dug around in the heap of clothes in my closet for a sweater. It had been minus fifteen today, and our furnace was broken, and would stay that way until Dayna got around to calling a repairman.

I stuck my feet under my comforter. Ugh, it was crisp and cold. Ben or Dayna had left my window open during the day. I flicked my lights off, and closed my eyes. Fatigue overwhelmed me, and I drifted into my dreams.

I knew Seth was there, Adrian was too. But I could see Adrian, waiting calmly on the sidelines, watching me like I was some sort of circus act, I couldn't find my soul though, Seth was nowhere to be found. Even second I could feel him get farther away, stealing my heart.

I went to Adrian, but there was some kind of force field between us. He scowled at me. "Thanks a lot Stephanie, it was real nice to find out that you were using me. _From Audrey!_" Oh no, he knew. And Audrey had told him. What kind of messed up dream was this? I couldn't find the person I loved, and he was slowly taking my heart from me. Audrey, trustworthy Audrey had revealed my biggest secret to Adrian, and now he hated me.

I felt rage build up in my chest. I screamed.

Seth flashed me a quick smile. Idiot. But I had made a promise, I grinned- well it was more like a smirk- back. I saw his brow furrowed a bit. He was trying to keep his emotions under control. That was good, if he could keep his anger and worry to a minimum, then I could certainly pretend to be friends with him. How hard could it be? It could be very hard. I hadn't gotten over the sense of having my heart, my soul taken from me. It had stuck with me, even when my screaming brought me back to my body tangled in my sheets.

"Well, at least one relationship seems better today!" Charlotte landed in the desk beside me with a thump.

"Hmm?"

"I suppose you haven't heard about me and Wes. God, he's such a jerk." I knew the feeling.

"Why? What did he do?" I tried to seem genuinely interested.

"It's what he didn't do. Yesterday was my birthday," oops, I'd forgotten, Charlotte noticed the guilty look on my face, "don't worry, Audrey gave me your present. She said that you weren't sure if you would remember to give it to me." I needed to remember to thank Audrey a million times when I saw her again.

"Oh." I tried to hide my surprise.

"Anyway, Wes completely forgot about my birthday! And being so courteous, I," yeah, you're extremely courteous Charlotte, "didn't mention it to him. Do you know what we did yesterday? We watched a slasher film with the 'guys'. It was a great way to spend my birthday, having bad movie theatre popcorn chucked at me."

"Ah, I'm sorry Charlotte."

"It's okay, I guess it wasn't meant to be, no use crying over spilt milk." I love Charlotte, something that would cause the average teenager to break down hardly affected her at all.

"Yeah, um, can I tell you something?" Now was the time to tell her, she would understand it now more than she would usually.

"Sure."

"Well, me and Seth, sort of broke up." I looked away from her face, I didn't want to see the surprise register on it.

"Really?" She was taking better than I had expected.

"'Fraid so."

"Why?"

"It's a long story." And truthfully, I don't want to tell it.

"I have time."

"I guess it's not really that long. It's just that he thinks I'm interested in Nick." Shortening all of the emotions I had felt in the past days into a few words felt good. Like I could simplify the world.

"Well, that's not too complicated, my only question is; how could he think something like that?"

"No idea," that wasn't true, I knew exactly why he thought that, "I don't know what happens in Seth's mind."

"Hmm," she was pensive for a moment, "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"Well, at least we can be single together."

"Yeah." I didn't feel like informing her of my relationship with Adrian right now. In fact, she didn't really need to know about it at all.

Charlotte invited me to go to the mall with her, I had planned to meet Adrian, so I made up an excuse. She shrugged and left.


End file.
